did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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