I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
