She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
