maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
