I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
