anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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