He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
