2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
