Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
