My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
