This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
