Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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