I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
