i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
