Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
