If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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