the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oh god it's open bar.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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