I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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