i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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