paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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