she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
