You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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