my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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