I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
