Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
