I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
