Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I wish there were birth control emojis
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
