I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
