Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How's work?
Spinning.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
