pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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