theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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