The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
