I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
