Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
