Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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