no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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