i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
