I wish life had little blips of pornography
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
