I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
