I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
