my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I can't turn off my feet"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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