oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
