Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
