I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
