turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
