i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
