Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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