dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
