The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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