I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
