So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
