I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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