Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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